Your Token Reflective Post: Looking Back on BU

Bye bye, Boston...

I'm not leaving Boston University with any form of resentment, regret, or chagrin (I still cringe at that word because of its overuse in the piece of crap that is the Twilight series!). No, BU is a fine school. It just wasn't what I thought it would be. Or maybe I'm not what it thought I would be. Either way, it doesn't fit.

I'll be taking with me some good memories. Among them are the following:

• Meeting my friend Aaron for the first time. We were both looking for the music rooms in the basement of our dorm. It's one of those moments that feels like there could be no explanation for our meeting other than fate. That night, we talked effortlessly for hours, like we had already known each other before coming to college. He ended up being my best friend, one who's been there for me unconditionally the last two years, despite my constant flaking on our plans. I'm glad he's staying in Boston for the summer because going home next Thursday will feel less like we're saying goodbye forever.

• Halloween 2008. We tried looking for a frat party to go to, but none of them were letting any more people in. We ended up partying with a bunch of 30-year-olds. They were awesome! They gave us tons of candy and let us drink their alcohol for free AND set us up in their entertainment room with a big screen TV to watch the Exorcist. Plus, all of them were decked out in these amazing costumes; it was nice not being surrounded by a bunch of whores!

• My first BU hockey game. We didn't have tickets but managed to sneak into the student section via a meticulously conducted operation involving the handing off of other people's passes. I felt so filled with school spirit as I cheered on the Boston Terriers with the bass drum and cowbell ringing in my ears.

• Nailing my solo in concert band. As first chair in the BU Concert Band, I was given the solo in Alfred Reed's "Armenian Dances." That shit's hard, man! The entire part is in 5/8 time! But I practiced and practiced and practiced, and after flubbing countless times in rehearsal, I finally nailed it at the concert. It felt swell.

• Giggling for hours about I don't even know what. Granted, that was back in the days when I actually still smoked weed (those days have since ended as of earlier this year). This one night, Aaron, Louie, Mike, and I went out in the below-zero weather and lit up on the roof of some building nearby. We went back to Louie's room and, after we thawed about, started talking about the weirdest things... Louie was telling some story about how he got really sick on a skiing trip and crapped his pants on the slopes, and Mike and I starting giggling uncontrollably. Not laughing, giggling. We couldn't breathe. I almost threw up. But it was so funny!

• Doing the Ghosts and Gravestones tour for the first time last year. I did it again this year, but last year's was better. I highly recommend it! You learn some really intriguing things about the dark side of Boston.

• Seeing my Anthropology teacher crack a bullwhip outside of the College of Communications. That guy was so cool. He had tattoos on his forearms of a Sifaka (lemur) and a Tamarin. He left BU at the end of last Spring to start a collie farm in Virginia.

• Bedtime this year with my roommate. Alex is the sweetest girl in the entire world. We've had many a night, as we lay in our beds with the lights off, where we shared funny stories, our hopes and dreams, our thoughts on God, and other deep information about ourselves. She's been my only true girl friend at BU. I'm going to miss her lots and lots.

• Training with the Student Support Network. I wish BURN (the new name for SSN, standing for BU Resource Network) started last year because this has been the best thing to happen to me since I started at BU. I and about 25 other people went to hour-long meetings for six weeks to learn how to be empathetic listeners, recognize signs of depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders, and intervene in cases where we suspect someone is contemplating suicide. In the meetings, we shared our experiences with each other to help illustrate some of the topics at hand, and in doing so, we all grew much closer together. This group has made me realize that I am not the only one who felt alone at BU and struggled with sadness. I am sad to leave BURN behind because I feel like this program is going to continue on for years after this first trial run, and I would have liked to help it grow and extend its services to other BU students who feel like I have felt the last two years.

• FINALLY going to Mike's Pastry and Modern Pastry in the North End. I got carrot cake and some mocha pastry thing. They were delicious.

• Going to the Harry Potter exhibit at the Science Museum with the Crawford Clan. It was so neat seeing the props from the movies! I especially liked the models of Buckbeak, Fawkes, and the Centaurs. Magical Creatures would have certainly been my favorite class if I were a student at Hogwarts.

So, as you see, I do have some good times at BU to remember later in life. They just didn't happen frequently enough to make me want to stay here. If I'm going to spend $52,000 on school, I want to cherish every single day (or at least most of them). I want to be one of those kids who, during summer and winter break, can't wait to go back to school so I can see all my friends. I want to be able to share stories about college with my kids and grandkids that bring a tear to my eye. I want college to finally be what it's supposed to be: the best years of my life.

I'm excited to start over, to get another chance to make all this happen. I think Smith will give me plenty of ammunition to do it.

Hello, Northampton!

Me gushing about Avatar

I fucking love Avatar. And I fucking hate our world.

Avatar made me cry both times I've seen it, which is a huge deal because I am a tough movie critic. But this movie is so beautiful and so sad, I can't help it.

The scene where the "Sky People" (a.k.a. us) destroy Home Tree, and all of the people of the Omaticaya tribe watch on helplessly, sobbing and screaming in pain as the ashes of their burning home fall around them... Man, it gets me. It gets me because this is what we do in real life to other people.

The US marches in and destroys everything in its path, bombing peoples' homes, murdering innocent men, women, and children, all because we have this false sense of entitlement and this misguided "mission" to reform the rest of the world, when we are actually probably one of the most flawed and fucked up nations. We totally disregard the notion that there are other cultures, traditions, and values out there besides our own that mean the world to the very people whose lives we are destroying.

Go us. No wonder most of the world hates us.

Not only am I disgusted with my nation, but I'm disgusted with humanity in general. We are killing the very thing that gives us life - our Earth! Why can't we all just listen to Michael Jackson and take care of our world?!

What about sunrise? What about rain?
What about all the things that you said we were to gain?
What about killing fields? Is there a time?
What about all the things that you said was yours and mine?

Did you ever stop to notice all the blood we've shed before?
Did you ever stop to notice this crying Earth, its weeping shores?

What have we done to the world? Look what we've done.
What about all the peace that you pledge your only son?
What about flowering fields? Is there a time?
What about all the dreams that you said was yours and mine?

Did you ever stop to notice all the children dead from war?
Did you ever stop to notice this crying Earth, its weeping shores?

I used to dream, I used to glance beyond the stars.
Now I don't know where we are, although I know we've drifted far...

"Earth Song" -- Michael Jackson

Development

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I don't need everybody to approve of my decisions in order to be happy.

The people who truly care about me will love me and support me no matter what.

Those who are too selfishly concerned with how my decisions will ultimately affect them were not true friends in the first place.

Those who are too full of themselves to listen to me without judging me don't deserve my attention.

That's just how it is.

10 things I want to say to 10 people

1. Your addiction has turned you into a whole different person, one which I do not like.

2. You are so unbelievably superficial. You never used to be this bad. It's making me resent you.

3. I'm sorry I'm leaving you. You are the sweetest person I have ever met, and I sincerely hope we stay in touch.

4. You are the best thing to ever happen to me at BU. Thank you for being such a good friend to me. I'm sorry I haven't been the best one to you.

5. I don't know how you became such a hateful elitist, but it makes me really sad.

6. I don't understand what I find so attractive in you because you can be such a meat-headed douchebag!

7. You think you're so full of original and profound ideas, but you're not going anywhere in life.

8. I'm pretty sure we were only friends because we had the same sense of humor when we were high.

9. You betrayed my trust once, and I found out through other people that you did it again. There is no way I'm letting you back into my personal life. We can be friends on the surface, but that's it. You screwed yourself on that one.

10. I'm sorry if my life choices disappoint you. I wish you could be happy for me.

The Curse of Conscientiousness

One of my favorite qualities about myself is that I'm conscientious, but at the same time it's one of my least favorite qualities. It makes it extremely difficult to make decisions for myself when all I can think about is how other people will feel about it.

I decided that I'm transferring to Smith College. I am extremely excited, but at the same time I'm feeling guilty and ashamed. I feel like I'm letting my family down. It's not that I'm downgrading or anything: Smith is ranked 18 in the nation, while BU is 56. It's more because I'm moving closer to my boyfriend.

I know that this is not the sole reason I am transferring, though it is a nice plus to the situation. I am transferring because I am unhappy in Boston and I want to be surrounded by people who are interested in learning, not just making the grade to get by. Smith is the school I chose because the girls there crave knowledge and adventure, and also because the campus is gorgeous and very close to where I lived prior to moving in fifth grade. My heart has been in Western Massachusetts since August of 2000, and it's time for me to finally go home.

But I know that my family probably doesn't view my reasoning that way. Well, my brother probably doesn't judge me because, simply put, he is the greatest person in the entire world. But I'm sure that even though my parents are proud of me, they are worried I'm moving for the wrong reasons. And I definitely know that's what my sister is going to think. I haven't even told her yet, and I didn't even tell her I was thinking about transferring. She is completely in the dark about this all! I will tell her soon, but I'm avoiding it because I know she's going to give me shit about it. It's not even that I care all that much about what she thinks anymore; I'm just sick of being judged by her about everything I do.

I just wish I could do what makes me happy and stop worrying about other people so much. I know being conscientious of others is an admirable quality to have, but it tends to drive you nuts if you do have it.