The Curse of Conscientiousness

One of my favorite qualities about myself is that I'm conscientious, but at the same time it's one of my least favorite qualities. It makes it extremely difficult to make decisions for myself when all I can think about is how other people will feel about it.

I decided that I'm transferring to Smith College. I am extremely excited, but at the same time I'm feeling guilty and ashamed. I feel like I'm letting my family down. It's not that I'm downgrading or anything: Smith is ranked 18 in the nation, while BU is 56. It's more because I'm moving closer to my boyfriend.

I know that this is not the sole reason I am transferring, though it is a nice plus to the situation. I am transferring because I am unhappy in Boston and I want to be surrounded by people who are interested in learning, not just making the grade to get by. Smith is the school I chose because the girls there crave knowledge and adventure, and also because the campus is gorgeous and very close to where I lived prior to moving in fifth grade. My heart has been in Western Massachusetts since August of 2000, and it's time for me to finally go home.

But I know that my family probably doesn't view my reasoning that way. Well, my brother probably doesn't judge me because, simply put, he is the greatest person in the entire world. But I'm sure that even though my parents are proud of me, they are worried I'm moving for the wrong reasons. And I definitely know that's what my sister is going to think. I haven't even told her yet, and I didn't even tell her I was thinking about transferring. She is completely in the dark about this all! I will tell her soon, but I'm avoiding it because I know she's going to give me shit about it. It's not even that I care all that much about what she thinks anymore; I'm just sick of being judged by her about everything I do.

I just wish I could do what makes me happy and stop worrying about other people so much. I know being conscientious of others is an admirable quality to have, but it tends to drive you nuts if you do have it.