So you wanna be a rock superstar?

I really, really wish I could be a rock star. I've always wanted to be the frontwoman of a super famous, super talented, super awesome band.

I definitely have the stage presence for it. I've been doing theater for about 10 years, so I know how to present myself in front of an audience. I have excellent public speaking skills, and I'm not afraid of being by myself in front of a large amount of people. I've been told that I stand out in a crowd when I want to.

I also have the personality for it. I'm zany, but smart. I'm expressive, but not ostentatious. I'm creative, but also down-to-earth. I'm pretty chill, but I also have a noticeable dorky side. I think I'd be a likable and interesting public figure.

I just wish I had a stronger voice. I absolutely love singing, but I'm not good enough to command a stadium. I can do more than just carry a tune, yet I'm not even close to rock star status. This makes me sad.

It could be so easy for me. I could make millions of dollars and pay off all my debts, and at the same time release music that changes people's lives, or at least makes them enjoy life a little bit more. I could strengthen the presence of women in rock and roll and become a positive role model for my younger listeners. I could use my popularity to gain support for animal rights and charities and stuff. And everybody would always be looking at me and wishing they were as cool as I was.

I just want people to wish they were me for once.

It's about friggen time!

Finally getting a chance to update this thing! Gawd!

Yeah, it's been pretty busy. School hasn't been overly demanding this year so far, and even though this week has been the busiest I've had in a while, it doesn't even compare to my busy weeks last year. The most time-consuming aspects of my week weren't even school-related - I had job training two of the nights and a three-hour lab on one of the others. If I didn't have an exam today, that probably wouldn't even have seemed like much of a packed schedule. It was just the squeezing-in-time-for-studying part that made it seem extra busy.

I never got fully depressed or anything, but as you may have noticed from my last few posts, I did hit a bit of a low point. I'm doing better now. I haven't been plagued with too many melancholy thoughts as of late (which may or may not have had to do with my busy-ness). The only sadness I've experienced in, like, the last week and a half was caused by a disturbing dream I had last night. The good news about that is that dreams aren't real life, so I'm feeling just fine in my waking self.

IT'S ALMOST OCTOBER YAAAAAAAY! I love October! Next to December, it's my favorite month. Just like with December, a lot of that has to do with the holiday at the end of it. Halloween has always been one of the days I look forward to most out of the year. I like to dress up and eat candy. But I also like October because of the general feel of the month: freshness, mischief, crisp Autumn air, apples, pumpkins, corn maizes, black cats... I can't exactly pinpoint the feeling October arouses in me, but whatever it is, I LOVE it.

Speaking of October and Halloween, I still don't have any costume ideas....

Always dreaming of the past...

Once again, I woke up this morning feeling rather sad and nostalgic. Usually this happens when I've had a dream about some sort of happy memory or somebody I haven't seen in a long time. Today is no different.

Last night I dreamt that I was at a dining room table surrounded by my cousins. We were all laughing, eating cinnamon rolls (why? I don't know.), and quoting the Christopher Walken SNL skit "Googly Eyes" (again, why? I have no idea.) Each of us was so happy and didn't have a care in the world, other than who would get to finish off the glaze used to frost the cinnamon rolls. I can still feel remnants of the warmth that filled me in my sleep when I looked around at my smiling family and felt like bursting with joy and love.

These sorts of dreams are bittersweet for me. They make me so incredibly happy, but when I wake up, I wish I could go back to sleep forever just so I can hold onto that feeling. Only in dreams can I have the past once more. When I'm conscious, all I can do is try to remember. I can't see the past as clearly, and instead of becoming filled with the cheer of my childhood, I'm left with an empty longing.

I wish I could let go. I know that those days are gone and that I should be concentrating on making the present just as wonderful, but I can't help thinking that things were so much better back then. I've been corrupted. I can never experience the pure, innocent bliss of childhood ever again. I can bring pieces of it into my life, but things are too complicated now to fully convert. All I can do is dream.

I apoligize for the slew of slightly depressing entries as of late. I am not completely depressed; I just tend to write about the emotions which affect me the most. Nostalgia happens to be one of them.

Just another misfit toy

I wish I could figure out what is wrong with me. Sometimes I think I have some form of social anxiety or agoraphobia. I never think too seriously about diagnosing myself because I'm a psychology major and shouldn't be abusing my knowledge by suddenly concluding that I have some sort(s) of mental disorder(s). At the same time, I never fully dismiss the possibility. You never know.

The reason I bring all this up is because I've been having a lot of difficulty feeling comfortable in certain social situations. Most notably, I get very uncomfortable when I am introduced to a group of people who are friends of a friend of mine. Introductions are fine and I like meeting new people and everything, but if I hang around the group for too long, I start getting depressed. They'll all be talking to one another and having a great time, but I get all sad and quiet and keep to myself. Even if they try to involve me in the conversation, I don't get any happier or more talkative. Then I start worrying that I'm doing a horrible job of representing myself, realizing that I'm probably coming off as super shy or a total bitch, of which I am neither, and a billion negative thoughts start running through my head, making me even sadder and quieter. Ultimately, I leave the group and go off on my own way, feeling depressed and disappointed in myself.

I don't fully understand why this happens, but I think it may have to do with the fact that I haven't had a core group of close friends since I moved to Spencer in the summer before 5th grade. I barely remember what it's like to know several people intimately all at once and to want to spend all my free time with them. I long for this feeling again so badly, but I feel like I keep fucking up my chances. Being introduced to a group of people is a perfect opportunity to make myself part of a group, but something in my head always tells me first that it's too late, and I get discouraged. Every day, I feel like I'm running out of time, that everybody is getting to be friends with each other and that soon I'm going to be left all alone with nowhere to belong.

The reality is that it's never too late. I know that people don't suddenly decide they have enough friends and don't want any more in their life. In fact, I'm sure there are plenty of people like me out there who are longing for a place to belong. I just don't know where to find them, and I get overwhelmed with how big the world is and with how many people are in it. I wish I could just wear a neon sign over my head saying "looking for best friends" and having an arrow pointing down to me. Maybe that would help.

I hate that I know better. I know that I should be going out and actively trying to get to know people, even if they already all know each other. But I just can't shake the sadness that seems to be weighing me down.

I wish I could just get a chocolate lab puppy and name her Riley and have her be my best friend.

Lamey Lameface Lameford

As endearing as my college nickname "Lamey" is, it's also kind of a cruel reality. I am very lame. Or at least by many people's standards.

I don't go out very much. I don't enjoy big parties. I just don't see a point in getting hammered and talking to a bunch of people you don't know and won't remember the next day. Most of the time, there are just so many people that I don't know what to do with myself. That's not really my idea of fun.

What's fun for me is gathering with a small group of friends to play games, or getting into my pajamas and baking cupcakes, or challenging myself to a difficult crossword puzzle. Of course all of these activities can be enhanced with alcohol if I feel like having a crazy night, but that's pretty much the extent of my party animal-ness.

I don't see these preferences as making me lame, but a lot of other people do. It makes me kind of sad, to tell you the truth.

Weekend: Part II (and the days following)

Minus the Friday fiasco, my weekend was great! I went to Copley Square, I watched movies, I hung out with my sister, and I went to the Cheesecake Factory and had a delicious dinner followed by delicious cheesecake. Saturday through Monday were pretty low-key, just how I like it.

Classes have been going well. I've only had three classes of fencing, but so far I really like it! No swords yet since we're learning footwork and whatnot, but we played a game today that was pretty fun. It's called "Slap the belly." Basically, you face off with a partner, taking turns advancing and lunging, trying to see who can slap the other in the belly with a fencing glove first. I won a few rounds today. It was interesting to see how each person has a different fighting style. Personally, I need to work on being a little less aggressive and a little more tactful; the rounds I lost were the ones where I was concentrating too hard on attacking the other person rather than luring them in and waiting for them to lunge and miss before I counter-attacked.

I GOT A JOB! I'll be working for concessions at Agganis Arena. I'm thinking it's going to be a fun job because I'll be working with lots of fellow BU students and because we'll get to see/hear concerts and other cool events. Hopefully I get a decent number of hours, considering the hours aren't really fixed because they're driven by events.

Something I've been thinking about the last few days: have you ever noticed how you can usually tell right away if you're going to get along with somebody? Like, when you meet for the first time, you just click? I've been noticing that more and more since I've been meeting so many new people here. I've met lots of people who I know have the potential to be a great friend of mine, and I know this because there's, like, this little clicking feeling in my gut, like our personalities snapping together or something. I've also met some people who spark absolutely no feeling in me whatsoever. And it's not like they're bad people or anything. They're certainly nice and interesting. It's just that I feel absolutely nothing when I meet them. If anything, I feel like the brief companionship is forced, like both of us know that something isn't fitting into place. I don't think this a form of prejudice or anything. I think it's more of a natural or spiritual phenomenon.

I think I'll end here.

Weekend: Part I

This is the first weekend I've spent at school in a very long time. I left quite a bit last year, so I've kind of forgotten what it's like to have so much free time in Boston.

Friday night was... well, pretty horrible. One of my girlfriends - whom we shall call "A" - kidnapped me and convinced me to go out with her and her roommate. The first few hours of the night were spent with me trying to help her figure out what to wear (a.k.a. me voting for one outfit and her picking another one), me trying to convince her that she doesn't look fat in the chosen outfit (and all the other contenders, for that matter), and me ultimately feeling under-dressed and kind of butch. Even though what I was wearing - jeans and a t-shirt - was completely fine and entirely appropriate for the evening's festivities.

Then we went to my guy friend's - whom we shall call "B" - house to pre-game, which consisted of downing three shots of Tequila in 15 minutes. Off we went to the Sigma Chi party.

This is when the drama ensued.

But first: a bit of background history. A and B dated last year for a brief 2-month stint. History lesson over.

B's a pretty flirtatious guy. It's just in his nature. Half the time he doesn't even know he's doing it. A is a pretty worrisome girl. It's just in her nature. Most of the time she is completely aware she's doing it, but she does it anyway because she can't stop.

So at the party, B flirts with lots of girls. He even flirts with me, but that's not entirely out of his character. He's my best friend who at one point had, and maybe even still has, a crush on me. Anyhow, A gets jealous and decides we need to leave to go to another party hosted by a girl who lived on our floor last year. I don't object because I'm not a big fan of frat parties as it is, and the other party promised to be more low-key because it was hosted by two girls who happen to be potheads. In my mind, potheads are chill and would thus prevent further drama.

While all this is going on, A also feels responsible to show her roommate a good time. This is because her roommate transferred from Wheaton, a smaller college, to here in order to go to better parties.

We leave and start making our way to a house we've never been to before, apparently located in Brighton somewhere. A calls the girl from our floor, who tries to give us directions, but since both parties in the phone conversation are drunk and frustrated, we end up getting lost in Brighton. Then A and her roommate start fighting because we're lost instead of partying it up, and I just try to keep them from hating each other forever, which would be awkward since they live together.

A decides to call a taxi, and we go home.

What a fucking mess of a night.

The aftermath: A and her roommate are now mad at each other, A and B are now mad at each other, I can't hang out with A and B at the same time anymore, and I have decided that I'm never going to a frat party ever again because they're stupid.

Luckily the rest of my weekend has been decent so far! More on that later.

On being social

Quick update: I started classes yesterday, and so far, so good! Most of the topics are very interesting, and for the ones that aren't as much, the professors are funny and cool enough to make up for it. I think this is going to be a great semester.

Longer update: I've always thought of myself as a loner. I still think of myself as a loner. I honestly have no problem with spending some good quality time with myself. However, I have noticed the past few days that I tend to be happier when I'm social.

It's true that socializing does get tiring, but for some reason, each time I meet someone new and have a decent-length conversation with them, I find myself simply glowing afterward. I don't know whether it is because I put myself in such a friendly, happy, outgoing mood in order to make them feel comfortable and it merely carries over into my alone time, or if it's because I am genuinely glad to have interacted with another human being. I guess it doesn't really matter why it makes me happy, just as long as it makes me happy.

So I suppose this means I should be a little less of a hermit, especially when my mood is on the slightly gloomy side. I've never been one to share my problems with others, and I'm not saying I suddenly will; just maybe it might be helpful for me to surround myself with people when I'm upset rather than shut myself in my room.

Back in Boston!

I am officially moved in and cozy here at my new dorm. I love my room! It's so much bigger than I was expecting. You could easily fit a king-size blow-up mattress on the floor between the beds.

I got here yesterday at about 11:20 AM. After carrying all my stuff up four flights of stairs (my poor dad nearly had a heart attack), I met the rest of my family and hung out with them for a bit. They left after dinner and I met my buddy Aaron to hang out. The whole night was pretty low key; we just listened to music, played Super Smash Brothers (I suck at it >:[), and watched some movie about the Doors on TV. I got back to my dorm around 1 and talked to my roommate for a good half hour before going to sleep.

Speaking of my roommate, she's really nice! We spent several hours of the day today doing some roommie bonding. All I can say is that so far, so good. I can only hope that the rest of the year with her is just as great as these past two days!

Tomorrow begins the fall semester. This half of the year, I will be taking Drugs and Behavior (Psychology), Quantitative Reasoning (computer science), Biology I, American Sign Language, and FENCING! I'm excited to learn how to sword fight. Especially because it may be applicable later in life. Ha ha.

I can feel in my gut that it's going to be a great year :D