Just another misfit toy

I wish I could figure out what is wrong with me. Sometimes I think I have some form of social anxiety or agoraphobia. I never think too seriously about diagnosing myself because I'm a psychology major and shouldn't be abusing my knowledge by suddenly concluding that I have some sort(s) of mental disorder(s). At the same time, I never fully dismiss the possibility. You never know.

The reason I bring all this up is because I've been having a lot of difficulty feeling comfortable in certain social situations. Most notably, I get very uncomfortable when I am introduced to a group of people who are friends of a friend of mine. Introductions are fine and I like meeting new people and everything, but if I hang around the group for too long, I start getting depressed. They'll all be talking to one another and having a great time, but I get all sad and quiet and keep to myself. Even if they try to involve me in the conversation, I don't get any happier or more talkative. Then I start worrying that I'm doing a horrible job of representing myself, realizing that I'm probably coming off as super shy or a total bitch, of which I am neither, and a billion negative thoughts start running through my head, making me even sadder and quieter. Ultimately, I leave the group and go off on my own way, feeling depressed and disappointed in myself.

I don't fully understand why this happens, but I think it may have to do with the fact that I haven't had a core group of close friends since I moved to Spencer in the summer before 5th grade. I barely remember what it's like to know several people intimately all at once and to want to spend all my free time with them. I long for this feeling again so badly, but I feel like I keep fucking up my chances. Being introduced to a group of people is a perfect opportunity to make myself part of a group, but something in my head always tells me first that it's too late, and I get discouraged. Every day, I feel like I'm running out of time, that everybody is getting to be friends with each other and that soon I'm going to be left all alone with nowhere to belong.

The reality is that it's never too late. I know that people don't suddenly decide they have enough friends and don't want any more in their life. In fact, I'm sure there are plenty of people like me out there who are longing for a place to belong. I just don't know where to find them, and I get overwhelmed with how big the world is and with how many people are in it. I wish I could just wear a neon sign over my head saying "looking for best friends" and having an arrow pointing down to me. Maybe that would help.

I hate that I know better. I know that I should be going out and actively trying to get to know people, even if they already all know each other. But I just can't shake the sadness that seems to be weighing me down.

I wish I could just get a chocolate lab puppy and name her Riley and have her be my best friend.