Illusion of Control

As most people know by now, I am a recovering anorexic and orthorexic. I have made considerable improvements since the beginning of my disordered eating behavior period, but I do relapse every now and then. I am currently in relapse phase.

I know this phase will not last very long - a week at most. I plan on restricting my food intake at least up until Sunday, enough to fully detoxify my body, shrink my appetite, and build up my will power once again. I know this can be achieved in healthier ways, but this is the way I know best and it's one that I know I can accomplish.

It's kind of a rush, really. At first I despise the feeling of being hungry. All I can think about is how badly my stomach hurts, and I want to take out my frustration on everyone and everything around me. But after a day or so, I get lightheaded and loopy and my anger wanes. I don't have enough energy for any emotion other than happiness. It's like being high.

But the high comes from more than just being loopy. Mostly, I feel high because I feel powerful. I am in control of what enters my body, what I do with my body, and how my body will ultimately look in the end. It's a complete power trip.

This disorder has been with me long enough for me to know when and why a relapse is coming. I relapse during times when I feel like my control over my life is slipping. When my fate seems to be out of my hands, I refocus my efforts on something I do have control over: my weight.

Last week, I had a slight mental breakdown because I realized that my admittance into Smith College is completely out of my control now. My application has already been reviewed, my interview has already been conducted, and I have already been judged. I keep thinking about all the things I could have done differently to make myself a more attractive candidate, but at this point it is too late. My letter of rejection or acceptance is probably sealed and in queue to be mailed.

This letter will have drastic consequences. If I am rejected, I will have to face another two years of trying to find my place at this giant university in a city that I hate living in. I will also have to face another two years of putting enormous amounts of effort into maintaining my long-distance relationship (on top of the three and a half years I have already put in). If I am accepted, I will inevitably be paying more money - probably another $10,000 per year - and may face some problems with transferring credits. I will have to start over once again, learning all about my new environment and breaking out of my shell of shyness to make friends. However, I will have an easier time creating a niche for myself at a school with about 15,500 less students. Also, I will finally know what it is like to be able to see the person I am utterly in love with whenever I want to or, most importantly, need to.

I feel so helpless knowing that the next few years of my life will be determined by a piece of paper.

And so this is why I am in the midst of an anorexic/orthorexic relapse. I would advise you not to worry because the period won't last long, but I know that request is futile. Instead, I ask that those who read this simply let me do what I need to do to feel better about the situation, and be ready and willing to accept me back into the real world when it's over.