Long-distance love

Relationships are so weird. Long-distance relationships are even weirder.

After the warm glow of the new relationship flame dies down, you start to notice the little negatives. For some reason, these little negatives turn into big negatives when you add a couple miles between you and your partner. I think that it's because you have so much time to yourself to overthink, and it's so much easier to be mad at somebody for their flaws than it is to miss them.

I'm pretty sure my relationship is the toughest thing I've ever endured in my life. I often wonder how my life right now would have turned out had I not said yes to him. Easier, I'm sure. But I've grown so much and learned so much, and even though I still suffer, it will all be worth it in the end.

I hate when I have my doubting periods. Being unsure of what to do is one of the worst feelings in the world, especially when you're convinced that any decision you make will be a bad one. But the thing is, every time I see his face, I fall in love again and know that I am not ready to have him missing from my life.

I am feeling much better about everything now. This is just a cycle I go through. Every summer, as my move-in date inches closer and closer, I start worrying and getting angry about the dumbest things in my relationship. Then I act like a moody bitch, which I think is a subconscious effort to make things easier if the relationship takes a turn for the worst. But again, like I said, I just have to see his face to know that everything's going to be okay and that I really have nothing to be angry about.

Now that things are good in the hood, I can't wait to get back to school!

I'm not a cunt, I swear!

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I just be happy?

I'm not a cunt, I swear. My problem is that I'm a worrywart. I worry, I get nervous, and I get quiet. As a result, I come off as a total bitch. BUT I'M TOTALLY NOT ONE! So why do I allow myself to come off as one?

I don't mean this to sound conceited in any way, but I know that I am a good person. I'm kind, I'm funny, I'm smart, and I just have a very agreeable personality altogether. So why the fuck do I have so much trouble showing people that?!

I'm truly pissing myself off. It's not like I've only misrepresented myself once; I've misrepresented myself repeatedly. In front of all the same people, too. I've done nothing to convince them that I'm not a moody bitch, but I've done a wonderful job of reinforcing the idea that I am one. I feel like it's too late now to do anything about it, but I'm going to have to keep trying.

Please, please believe me when I say that I am a good, pleasant person. I promise that I am, and I'm horribly sorry that I haven't been able to prove that yet. Please give me another chance. Please?

Henry Ford is a murderer

Ever notice how one thing can throw off your whole day? (Note: this will NOT turn into ranting session.)

On my way home from dropping my brother off at work, I was driving down a back road when all of a sudden there was a flash of brown and a KATHUD. I looked in my rear view mirror to see a quivering blob of fur on the side of the road.

I still don't know what I hit. I just kept driving. I was in shock.

The whole ride home, and the rest of the day, I prayed and prayed that I didn't hit somebody's pet. At least when you hit a squirrel or a frog or a turtle, it is highly unlikely that it belongs to a family. The worst that could happen in that scenario is that the animal was a parent whose babies were depending on it for food. But if you hit a pet, it's just like you murdered some couple's adopted baby or some kids' hairy younger sibling.

My reasoning tells me that the animal was too small to be a dog and too round to be a cat. I think it may have been a groundhog or something of the sort.

Whatever it was, I'm sure I killed it. Even though it wasn't there later when I drove on that same road, the "kathud" was far too pronounced to have been anything other than a fatal hit.

I wasn't horribly depressed the rest of the day, but everything did seem a little more glum. It's hard for me to digest the fact that I couldn't have done anything to prevent the death of that animal.

Time to upgrade my life!

Dane Cook is a funny guy, though I find his voice and his general manner of speaking to be obnoxious. Thus, I can only watch his stand-up. If I happen to be listening to his comedy without some sort of visual aid, I suddenly become filled with anxiety and rage. Some might say it's an odd reaction.

Why then, one would ask, do I have a Dane Cook's CD "Retaliation: Want" on my ipod? My answer: I don't know. I keep forgetting to take it off. It bugs the crap out of me whenever one of his skits comes up on shuffle, especially the one called "Bamf". That one seems to come up a lot. I can't tell you how many times I've been jamming out to sweet tunes only to be interrupted by "I MADE SOME UPGRADES IN MY LIFE SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA UPGRADE YOUR LIFE THERE'S THINGS THAT YOU NEED TO DO YOU NEED TO INVEST IN YOURSELF IN YOUR SOUL." I usually switch it right there, before he goes on to talk about how he needs a new "ve-hick-ul" to become a "bad ass mother fucker."

But the last few times the skit has unpleasantly surprised me during my itunes visits, it got me thinking. Maybe Dane's right. Maybe it's time for me to upgrade my life. I mean, I don't need to upgrade to the title of BAMF because, obviously, I'm already there. Duh. But I do need to take some steps to revamp my badass self.

So I'm starting with this blog. I've had a livejournal ever since the tender age of 14. Me and LJ... man, we've had some good times. But lately there's been very little activity there. Also, I feel like that journal is somehow trapping me in my teenage years. My username is deppluvr, for Chrissakes. I am no longer the angsty, naive, wannabe-punkass I once was. Nor am I nearly as obsessed with Johnny Depp (though I still worship the man). Plus, I not-so-smartly made my journal friends-only and took on the tedious chore of locking each of my entries. I really don't feel like reversing that whole process, and I think it would make my journal inconsistent if I suddenly stopped locking my entries. In short: I need to start over. I need a big girl's blog. I need to... UPGRADE!

I'm slowly but surely upgrading other aspects of my life, too.

In the material world: I'm on the lookout for a new bag (I hate saying purse or pocketbook because it sounds too girly and old-lady-ish) and a real wallet. Though I love my hedgehog and mushroom Yakpak bag and my purple duct tape wallet, they make me look like I'm thirteen-years-old. I'm also in dire need of new shoes, but I'm going to stay away from the Vans and other skater shoes. I've gotta get some more ladylike footwear. Lastly, I'm working on expanding my wardrobe to include more than just tees and jeans. Sure, they're comfy and practical, but they can get rather boring.

In my mental world: I'm trying out a new positive attitude thing. Though I'm a natural worrywart, I'm making an effort to look at the bright side of life. So instead of being nervous about going back to school, getting homesick, being forced into social situations outside my comfort zone, and maintaining my long-distance relationship, I'm getting excited about seeing my buddies, breaking in my brand new notebooks, making new friends, giving the roommate deal another try, living on my own once more, and coming home to go apple picking and corn maze-ing in the fall. I have faith that this year is going to be a great one and that everything will work out for the best.

I'm sure there will be more upgrades to come, but for now I'm just taking baby steps. And, I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you, Dane Cook, for existing in my itunes library and reminding me to "invest in [my]self, in [my] soul."