It finally sets in...

The "school" feeling has finally set in. As midterms approach and the workload piles on, and as the extra-curriculars become more demanding and the friendships more strained, our old friends Stress and Routine show their faces once more.

I haven't been having a bad time - in fact, my experience has been far from that. It's just that the surreal glow of a new school is finally coming into focus, and the sharpness of reality has returned.

But prior to that feeling, we had Big Sib/Little Sib week! Each morning I awoke to presents outside my door and hints as to who my big sib(s) were, and on Thursday evening we had the big reveal. I got such cute presents, and I can't be more pleased with my sibs!

And this past weekend we had Fall Break. That couldn't have come soon enough. Now I'm counting down the days to Family Weekend. My mom and brother came out to visit on Friday, but one day wasn't enough. I miss my family!

Aaaaand I still need to pick a Halloween costume. Phooey.

Mountain Day!!!

At 7am this morning I awoke to the bells ringing joyously throughout the quad as though it were Christmas Day. But in actuality... IT'S MOUNTAIN DAY!

Mountain Day is a day chosen at random by our President, Carol Christ, to cancel classes and give students a well-deserved day off. Originally this was so Smithies could go climb Mount Tom, but now the day is often used to go apple picking, hiking, or bike riding, or to do homework and catch up on some much needed sleep.

I will admit, last night I didn't want Mountain Day yet. I wanted it to be next week, thinking the day should be saved for when I'm really going crazy. But now that Mountain Day is here... I'm totally thrilled!

I'm not sure yet what I shall do with my free time. I think this morning I'll go to the gym and do some homework, and then, since it's sunny and will be close to 80 degrees today, I'll lay out in the sun for one last time before fall really starts to set in.

What a beautiful day for a Mountain Day!

Stop, look, and listen: here come the Smithereens!

I'm officially a Smithereen! Friday night around 11:30, I was walking back to my dorm with my friend when all of a sudden I got a phone call. I picked up the phone to hear "Amy! You need to get back to your room quickly!" Thinking it was an emergency, I ran back to my room and opened to door... and the Smithereens came parading out of the bathroom and serenaded me with their theme song! Then they gave me a pair of their signature Smithereens sunglasses, told me to put on my shoes, and whisked me away to collect the other new members. Afterward we all went down to the dock at Paradise Pond, where the newbies were given cake and champagne and were serenaded some more.

I've never been sung to before! It made me feel so special!

The rest of my weekend had its ups and downs, but I'm working on clearing out my head before I face the new week.

SO MUCH TO DO! So little time...

I GOT MY RADIO SHOW!!! I'll be the DJ of an all-metal mashup on Saturdays from 12-2pm! Or at least those are my hours right now, but they may change due to music censorship issues. Apparently we can't play any songs containing profanity unless it's between the hours of 10pm and 2am, and since my show is in the middle of the day and my genre is composed mostly of bad words, I'm not so sure it's gonna work out... I have training tomorrow morning, so I plan on raising that issue with my department head at that point.

Also... I GOT CALLED BACK TO 2 OUT OF 3 OF THE ACAPELLA GROUPS! Tonight I'll be auditioning again for the Smithereens, and Sunday for the Smiffenpoofs. I'm really excited and I hope I make it! If I do, however, I may run into conflict with my radio show because both activities are quite time consuming. I can't exactly wait it out to see if I have enough time for both because finding a replacement for me for either organization is a pain in the rear. But I'm not even officially in acapella yet, so I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

More updates to come as I receive them!

Movies, clubs, and getting buff

So much for posting frequently! I suppose that's what happens when life gets in the way. I'll do a few quick updates to get me up to speed:

Friday: I went on a movie "date" with my neighbor. We went to see Easy A but ended up seeing Going the Distance instead because the other movie was sold out. I'm actually really glad things ended up that way because the movie was really good! We laughed, we cried, and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. When we got back to Jordan, we stayed up talking until quarter of 4 in the morning! My ass was dragging the next day for sure, but it was well worth it. I love one-on-one bonding sessions and old-fashioned fun!

Yesterday: I auditioned for three acapella groups. I was REALLY nervous, which ended up affecting my performance at the first two auditions because my nerves made me really out of breath. My third audition went really well, and if I get a callback to any of the groups, it would probably be that one. I hope I make it into one of them! I'm trying not to get my hopes up because I feel the groups are pretty selective.

Ongoing: getting buff! The drop-in fitness program "Get Fit Smith" has been making this pretty easy by providing me with fun exercise classes that fit into my busy schedule. I've been working out at least 5 days a week for the whole time I've been here. I think I'm well on my way to reaching my goal of losing 5 pounds by Halloween!

That's all I have to say right now, I think.

Oh wait! I got a tumblr account! Check it out: a sullen riot penetrating through her mind

CocoRosie

Last night I went to see CocoRosie at the Pearl Street Ballroom. At first I was wary about going because the tickets cost $21.50 (damn internet fees!) and I didn't even know the band. But I decided to go anyway because my friend really wanted to and I wanted to have some quality bonding time.

I don't regret a single penny I spent. The show was awesome! The music isn't my ordinary style, but I think that's why it was so refreshing. I got to experience something entirely new and not have my eardrums blown out for once!

Here's a video of CocoRosie's "Lemonade":




They're really weird, I know, but they're extremely talented. Their live shows are incredible for several reasons, among them being:

- They are accompanied by an AMAZING beatboxer
- They run a projection of cool artsy video clips behind them instead of having traditional stage lights
- They remix their songs for live performances

So yeah, totally glad that I ONCE AGAIN stepped out of my comfort zone and went to this concert!

It's a small world after all!

I love it when small-world things happen!

Yesterday my roommate commented on my neighbor's shirt, which showed the logo of what used to be the student events planning organization here. Then I commented on how I remember visiting their booth at Open Campus last April and how they gave me a free flashlight key chain. And then my neighbor goes "OH MY GOD I TOTALLY REMEMBER TALKING TO YOU! YOU WERE WEARING A LEATHER JACKET!" And then suddenly, in my memory, I saw her standing at the table, asking me about why I wanted to transfer and giving me the key chain, and I was like "OHMYGOSH! THAT WAS YOU! AND YES I WAS WEARING A LEATHER JACKET WITH LEOPARD PRINT ON THE INSIDE!"

I just love it when things like that happen! It's so funny how we ended up being neighbors and friends. As my neighbor said to me later, "It's like it was meant to be!"

The first week of classes

This was the first official week of classes here at Smith, though for me it was barely a week as I only had classes on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday (that's right - NO FRIDAY CLASSES! BOOYAH!).

I really like my classes so far! This semester I'm taking Abnormal Psychology (which is gonna kick my ass!), Research Methods, Children's Literature, and Modern Biology for the Concerned Citizen. I already have a buttload of reading to do, but reading is never really much of a burden to me.

I also finally got a work-study job! I'm an office assistant for Student Affairs. The work environment is really relaxed, and the people I work with are really young and chill. It's going to be a good job, I can tell.

I best be off or else I'll be late to my INTERVIEW WITH WOZQ RADIO! I applied for a specialty show focusing on heavy metal. That would be pretty sweet if I got the gig.

Convocation is clothing optional

Convocation was CA-RAZAYYY! Jordan house got dressed up as our theme, Safari (I wore a snakeskin shirt with leggings and gladiator sandals), and paraded down to the John M. Greene memorial building while shouting out our cheer. The hall was SO LOUD! Everyone was dressed up... well, most people were wearing at least a bra and undies, we'll say that much. There were a few nips here and there, some daintily hidden behind electrical tape. But it was so cool to see the entire school squashed into one building, screaming their heads off for the houses that they love. I am completely in love with the amount of spirit here at Smith.

School starts tomorrow. Yikes!

Weekend update

I am totally burnt out! Today I'm taking most of the day off of orientation activities because if I don't, I'll be no fun at all. That's kind of what happened yesterday when a group of transfers went to the Three County Fair.

Normally I love fairs, but as soon as I stepped foot on the fair grounds, I regretted going. I mean, fairs are kind of a weird place to go if you don't really know the group of people you're with anyway, especially if it's not even nighttime (when fairs really come alive), but I was just so exhausted from socializing and running around and trying to remember people's names that I just kinda sucked into myself. We ended up leaving early, and when we got back to campus I went off on my own. I laid down on the grass near the pond in a patch of sunlight and closed my eyes for a half hour, appreciating the silence and warmth.

I felt much better afterward and enjoyed the rest of my night hanging out with some girls in my dorm.

Friday night we had game night with Sessions House. It was a blast! I managed to make some Sessions friends who also happen to be transfers, so that was pretty cool.

I'm about to head off to the gym for the first time, but beyond that, I'm not quite sure what my day will hold! (Besides a barbecue later)

Common Ground

While I had a superb day and all, it doesn't even compare to what happened tonight.

Tonight, Jordan House participated in an exercise called Common Ground. Everybody got in a big circle, and our House President read us a list of categories. If we identified with them, we stepped into the circle.

The categories started out pretty light, with things like racial identity, nationality, geographic origin, et cetera. Then they got a little more personal, asking about things like religious affiliation and financial status. And then it got heavy: sexual orientation, suffering from a disability or mental illness, struggling with or living with someone who struggles with an addiction...

It was incredibly eye-opening. I was inspired by the girls who stepped forward to admit things that most people are ashamed of, and I was humbled to find that many of my assumptions about some of the girls were wrong. I felt relieved to be able to share some of my burdens with others, and I also felt vulnerable. But at the same time, I felt surrounded by a bunch of supportive and non-judgmental people, and I feel safe with them.

I am extremely lucky to be amongst a group of such diverse women, and I can't wait to learn from them.

Day 2: Water balloons and Paradise Pond

After a delicious breakfast of fried eggs, potatoes, and yogurt, I started my day of academic advising meetings and summer reading discussions.

Between all that administrative stuff, I managed to stop by the Lyman Plant House and pick up my free ivy plant (and one for my mom)! I think I shall name them Nadine and Rocko.

I've got all my potential classes picked out - I'll update with which ones I actually get on Friday. Get this, though: there's a class offered in the Spring called "Roll over Beethoven: A History of Rock" that examines the growth of rock music from blues to heavy metal, grunge, and techno! How freaking awesome is that?!

After an extremely hot and long summer reading lecture, we met in the Jordan house living room for some ice breakers and a WATER BALLOON FIGHT! I didn't want to join in at first, but then I got over being a big baby and got in my bathing suit. It was a blast! And then we spontaneously decided to go jump in Paradise Pond, another thing I wouldn't have ordinarily done because of my fear of leeches and dark water, and that was even more fun! I'm so glad I forced myself out of my comfort zone tonight.

Lesson of the day: stop being lame and just do it!

More tomorrow!

Like I promised...

I just screamed my head off for 45 minutes straight.

The reason being: the Quad Scream. Every year in the Quad at Smith, the various houses come up with chants and run out into the quad to scream them at each other. The last house standing wins. This year it was a 3-way tie between my house (Jordan), Gardiner, and... Wilson, I believe? Anyway, it was awesome! This was our chant this year:

J, O-R, let me hear you Johos roar!
D, A-N, scream it louder than they can!
J-O-R, D-A-N, sounds so good we'll say it again!
J-O-R, D-A-N, the house you wish you could live in!
Jordan house is like no other, if you don't like it... UH! YOUR MOTHER!
Jordan house is the best on campus, if you don't like it, then kiss our asses!

So backtracking a little bit, I had a great day even before the Quad Scream. I moved in around 11, went to a Presidential Address, and walked around campus with my mommy. I bought the traditional college apparel (a sweatshirt and sweatpants) and had dinner with my house.

So far, all the girls seem really cool! I'm looking forward to getting to know them better as the orientation festivities progress.

I think this is going to be a great year!

Starting anew

So starting tomorrow, I'm gonna try really hard to update regularly about my transition into Smith. I feel like it's really hard to remain consistent with blogging if you don't have a theme. So my theme is Smith. For now.

Moving in at 9am tomorrow morning! Eek!

Girls day!

So today was my first official girls day ever. I find it kind of weird to think it's taken me 20 years to have a day just dedicated to hanging out with girl friends. I think it's because I don't really have too many girl friends; I tend to make friends easier with guys. Guys come with so much less baggage.

But today was pretty awesome. It was so nice to be able to have conversation that didn't revolve around trucks or guns! Sometimes girls can be pretty darn cool.

I better get used to hanging around them, considering my school is full of 'em. If it means more days like these, that shouldn't be too hard!

Eclipse and old people

Saw Eclipse last night. I actually genuinely enjoyed it - not just for the hot guys, but the cinematic value. The action scenes were pretty good, the quality of the acting and the script improved dramatically since the last movie and Kristen Stewart/Bella Swan sucked less than usual!

Aaaand my dog just farted and it smells horribly. Gross.

Here's a cute video about 81-year-old high school sweethearts reuniting after 62 years:

"Aaand we are in love with each other!"

I'm changing my style

So I've sucked at updating this thing so far. I think it's because my approach is all wrong. I refrain from posting because I feel like nothing interesting ever happens in my life, but I realized today that a blog isn't necessarily for life updates: it's to share your thoughts. So I'm going to aim to share one thought a day. That's pretty ambitious, I know. Realistically, it'll probably end up being a couple thoughts a week.

Anyway, here goes:

Often times I find myself thinking about my wedding day. I'm not sure if this is because I'm in a loving and stable relationship, or if I would be pondering the event frequently regardless of my relationship status.

I like to think about all the details: what flowers will be in my bouquet, what type of food I'll have at the reception, how many people I will invite, et cetera. I'd like to share a few of my visions, if you don't mind:

Theme: Autumn
Location: Outdoors, in a field lined with colorful fall trees
Bouquet: Fall colors with orange Lilies and deep red Roses
Dress: Strapless mermaid cut, off-white

And of course, the reception will have nonstop dancing. I plan to be burning up the dance floor with my sweet grooves.

I know that the wedding is only the beginning of a wonderful lifetime with somebody else, and therefore less time and effort should be put into it than the actual relationship... but weddings are so fun to think about!

Highs and Lows

My emotions were all over the place today, it seems.

I woke up this morning in a funk. Normally when Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds"sounds from my cell phone at 6:30 am, I at least wake up peacefully, if not with a smile on my face. Today I did not rise from my slumber agreeing with Bob that "every little thing is gonna be alright." I don't know if I was dreaming about something displeasing before I awoke or what, but it left me feeling pretty dreary.

I started out my day with some unruly hair. Struggling to make it look halfway decent resulted in me leaving my house about 15 minutes late, making me late for work. It's not really a big deal because our first hour is spent preparing, and my supervisor rarely even shows up on time. But still, the fact that my hair was being uncooperative irked me.

And then my self-esteem was immediately crushed when I walked in the door. I somehow had managed to wrestle my hair into a ponytail, braiding my bangs to the side and pinning them to keep them out of my face. Because my hairline recedes a little right around my temples, this hairstyle tends to leave a small bald spot right where the braid starts. I'm aware it's there, and I find it annoying, but I didn't really think it was big enough for anyone else to notice. But the first thing a client says to me this morning: "What happened to your head? Right where the bald spot is?" I explained that that's just how my hair grows, rather matter-of-factly so that any ordinary person wouldn't be able to notice the comment bugged me, and then I went and hid behind the front desk for a few minutes to regain my composure. My little bald spot, and the fact that somebody noticed it, made me feel ugly.

My mood sort of went up from there as we prepared to head out for the day. We spent a few hours at a state park where everybody swam except me. Initially I didn't feel like getting wet today, but after sitting on a hard bench in 96 degree weather for a couple minutes, I regretted not bringing my swim gear. My happiness decreased with every minute in the heat.

It went right back up as we packed up and headed back to the program. I was feeling pretty content as I got ready to leave for the day until I discovered some information about a couple of my coworkers that really disappointed me. I won't get into details for confidentiality's sake, but you know when you really like somebody and sort of look up to them? And then you find out something about them that you would have never suspected? And it kinda makes your heart sink into your stomach? I had one of those moments. So I listened to metal all the way home because I was feeling angry and disappointed.

Things got better when I got home because I went swimming with my brother and his friend. The pool felt soooooo good after roasting outside the entire day! I also made a cheesecake for my brother's birthday tomorrow, and although it didn't involve any baking, I enjoyed myself anyhow. Then I practiced my sax for a bit and relaxed, once again feeling at peace...

Until I found some information out about my brother that shocked me a bit. I mean, I guess I shouldn't be shocked because he's growing up and all, but I have a tendency to view him as much younger than he really is. Either way, knowing that he's growing up and can't be saved from the cruelty of adulthood anymore makes me really sad.

And on top of all this stuff, my dad had surgery on his shoulder today. He's doing well I guess, but he's currently at the hospital and will be staying overnight for observation. I can't help but worry about that.

So now I'm feeling kinda bummed out. I'm hoping my mood turns around a little before bed time so I can sleep.

It's mah birfday!

That's right, guys: IT'S MAH BIRFDAY!

Today was a splendid day! The kids at work were awesome. We got to make a cake! And I got to see my whole family, including my sister, who's been in Boston the whole summer. And my mommy bought me a chocolate Torte and Lactaid ice cream, yumyumyummy.

My boyfriend brought me to Cirque Du Soleil's "Ovo" on Saturday night. It was fucking awesome! The set was the best out of the five shows I've seen (Dralion, Varekai, Kooza, Allegria), and there were many acts that I've never seen before (Cirque shows tend to have variations of the same acts).

I got a Keurig single cup coffee machine, too. I am so pumped about that. I can't wait to have a decent cup of decaf every morning!

Bedtiemz now. I'll write about my job soon, I promise!

I can't let go.

Have you ever caught the scent of your past?

Out of the blue, a very distinct and familiar scent drifts by your nostrils. At first, breathing shallowly and casually, you only catch it faintly. You puzzle over it, trying to pinpoint its origin in your memory.

Suddenly it hits you, and every piece of your previous life containing that scent floods into your mind. Your eyes well up and your heart swells, and you breathe in as sharply and deeply as you can to try and capture every molecule of that smell, every bit of that material evidence of your memories.

The scent dissolves into your blood and you dissolve into your past. You hold your breath, wishing you could hold it forever so that you wouldn't have to let that feeling go. But soon your lungs burn for fresh air, so you slowly and reluctantly exhale. Then you breathe in long and deep, hoping to be filled with that feeling once more...but the scent is gone. Your past is gone.

You have no choice but to let go. Until that next unexpected and fleeting moment when your past comes drifting lazily along on the soft breeze, the present and future are in control.

4 weeks into summer...

I'm watching Terminator 2 on TNT right now. It's my first time watching it. I still haven't seen the beginning, but I've finally seen more than the scene with the Silver Surfer guy chasing the car with his hook hands.

This has been my routine for the last 4 weeks. Well, not watching The Terminator every day, but going to work, coming home, making dinner, and watching TV whilst on my laptop. Some time during the day, whether in the morning or the evening, I do a class at the gym. It's not a bad schedule, really. I think most people would be really bored with it, but I don't mind it.

I had to get a new debit card because I ordered passport photos online earlier this month and they never came. I wasn't sure if it was a scam or not, so I canceled my last card and disputed the purchase. I got my $7.95 back.

I went camping this past weekend (Memorial Day). I enjoyed myself quite a bit. I think I drank more over the course of those three days than I did throughout my entire college career. There ain't nothing wrong with that.

I've saved two turtles in two weeks, one of which was a snapping turtle. I'm doing my best to honor the spirit of Flat Stanley, the turtle whose tragic death I witnessed on my birthday four years ago. I think he would be pleased with my work.

I don't feel like rambling anymore.

My body's stayin' vicious, got me up in the gym just workin' on my fitness

I am on my way to a vicious bod! I've been taking hour-long classes at the gym every day, and they're totally kicking my ass! I can't wait to see the full results!

Highlight of my day: seeing a family of geese cross the road. The babies were so fluffy!

6 days of summer

I have had 6 days of summer vacation, and here is what I've been up to:

• Enjoyed a superb 3-4 mile run my first day. It was sunny and warm and all of the neighborhood doggies were out! One even licked my leg :D

• Celebrated Mother's Day at my grandma's house. I made the best Asian Chicken Salad EVER.

• Began my month-long trial of being my mom's personal assistant. It sounds really lame, but I'm actually doing legitimate work for RE/MAX Professional Associates. I've addressed, stuffed, and stamped about 400 or 500 letters over the last 3 days, and last night I made a super official-looking PowerPoint slide show featuring my mom's current listings and recent sales. I have a bunch of projects I'll be working on for the next 20-something days, including documenting how I do everything so that my mom can use the information to train her next/real personal assistant.

• Bought a summer gym membership. I can't wait to take cool classes like Body Pump, Body Attack, RPM (spinning), and ZUMBA!!!

Some things I'm looking forward to this week/weekend: taking Prom pictures of my brother and his date, spending the weekend with my love, and going to the Holy Name Spring Concert on Sunday and doing Friendly's with my buddies after. Yay!

I think that's it for now. I hate posting entries that lack depth, but I needed to update considering I haven't written anything since April 30th.

Your Token Reflective Post: Looking Back on BU

Bye bye, Boston...

I'm not leaving Boston University with any form of resentment, regret, or chagrin (I still cringe at that word because of its overuse in the piece of crap that is the Twilight series!). No, BU is a fine school. It just wasn't what I thought it would be. Or maybe I'm not what it thought I would be. Either way, it doesn't fit.

I'll be taking with me some good memories. Among them are the following:

• Meeting my friend Aaron for the first time. We were both looking for the music rooms in the basement of our dorm. It's one of those moments that feels like there could be no explanation for our meeting other than fate. That night, we talked effortlessly for hours, like we had already known each other before coming to college. He ended up being my best friend, one who's been there for me unconditionally the last two years, despite my constant flaking on our plans. I'm glad he's staying in Boston for the summer because going home next Thursday will feel less like we're saying goodbye forever.

• Halloween 2008. We tried looking for a frat party to go to, but none of them were letting any more people in. We ended up partying with a bunch of 30-year-olds. They were awesome! They gave us tons of candy and let us drink their alcohol for free AND set us up in their entertainment room with a big screen TV to watch the Exorcist. Plus, all of them were decked out in these amazing costumes; it was nice not being surrounded by a bunch of whores!

• My first BU hockey game. We didn't have tickets but managed to sneak into the student section via a meticulously conducted operation involving the handing off of other people's passes. I felt so filled with school spirit as I cheered on the Boston Terriers with the bass drum and cowbell ringing in my ears.

• Nailing my solo in concert band. As first chair in the BU Concert Band, I was given the solo in Alfred Reed's "Armenian Dances." That shit's hard, man! The entire part is in 5/8 time! But I practiced and practiced and practiced, and after flubbing countless times in rehearsal, I finally nailed it at the concert. It felt swell.

• Giggling for hours about I don't even know what. Granted, that was back in the days when I actually still smoked weed (those days have since ended as of earlier this year). This one night, Aaron, Louie, Mike, and I went out in the below-zero weather and lit up on the roof of some building nearby. We went back to Louie's room and, after we thawed about, started talking about the weirdest things... Louie was telling some story about how he got really sick on a skiing trip and crapped his pants on the slopes, and Mike and I starting giggling uncontrollably. Not laughing, giggling. We couldn't breathe. I almost threw up. But it was so funny!

• Doing the Ghosts and Gravestones tour for the first time last year. I did it again this year, but last year's was better. I highly recommend it! You learn some really intriguing things about the dark side of Boston.

• Seeing my Anthropology teacher crack a bullwhip outside of the College of Communications. That guy was so cool. He had tattoos on his forearms of a Sifaka (lemur) and a Tamarin. He left BU at the end of last Spring to start a collie farm in Virginia.

• Bedtime this year with my roommate. Alex is the sweetest girl in the entire world. We've had many a night, as we lay in our beds with the lights off, where we shared funny stories, our hopes and dreams, our thoughts on God, and other deep information about ourselves. She's been my only true girl friend at BU. I'm going to miss her lots and lots.

• Training with the Student Support Network. I wish BURN (the new name for SSN, standing for BU Resource Network) started last year because this has been the best thing to happen to me since I started at BU. I and about 25 other people went to hour-long meetings for six weeks to learn how to be empathetic listeners, recognize signs of depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders, and intervene in cases where we suspect someone is contemplating suicide. In the meetings, we shared our experiences with each other to help illustrate some of the topics at hand, and in doing so, we all grew much closer together. This group has made me realize that I am not the only one who felt alone at BU and struggled with sadness. I am sad to leave BURN behind because I feel like this program is going to continue on for years after this first trial run, and I would have liked to help it grow and extend its services to other BU students who feel like I have felt the last two years.

• FINALLY going to Mike's Pastry and Modern Pastry in the North End. I got carrot cake and some mocha pastry thing. They were delicious.

• Going to the Harry Potter exhibit at the Science Museum with the Crawford Clan. It was so neat seeing the props from the movies! I especially liked the models of Buckbeak, Fawkes, and the Centaurs. Magical Creatures would have certainly been my favorite class if I were a student at Hogwarts.

So, as you see, I do have some good times at BU to remember later in life. They just didn't happen frequently enough to make me want to stay here. If I'm going to spend $52,000 on school, I want to cherish every single day (or at least most of them). I want to be one of those kids who, during summer and winter break, can't wait to go back to school so I can see all my friends. I want to be able to share stories about college with my kids and grandkids that bring a tear to my eye. I want college to finally be what it's supposed to be: the best years of my life.

I'm excited to start over, to get another chance to make all this happen. I think Smith will give me plenty of ammunition to do it.

Hello, Northampton!

Me gushing about Avatar

I fucking love Avatar. And I fucking hate our world.

Avatar made me cry both times I've seen it, which is a huge deal because I am a tough movie critic. But this movie is so beautiful and so sad, I can't help it.

The scene where the "Sky People" (a.k.a. us) destroy Home Tree, and all of the people of the Omaticaya tribe watch on helplessly, sobbing and screaming in pain as the ashes of their burning home fall around them... Man, it gets me. It gets me because this is what we do in real life to other people.

The US marches in and destroys everything in its path, bombing peoples' homes, murdering innocent men, women, and children, all because we have this false sense of entitlement and this misguided "mission" to reform the rest of the world, when we are actually probably one of the most flawed and fucked up nations. We totally disregard the notion that there are other cultures, traditions, and values out there besides our own that mean the world to the very people whose lives we are destroying.

Go us. No wonder most of the world hates us.

Not only am I disgusted with my nation, but I'm disgusted with humanity in general. We are killing the very thing that gives us life - our Earth! Why can't we all just listen to Michael Jackson and take care of our world?!

What about sunrise? What about rain?
What about all the things that you said we were to gain?
What about killing fields? Is there a time?
What about all the things that you said was yours and mine?

Did you ever stop to notice all the blood we've shed before?
Did you ever stop to notice this crying Earth, its weeping shores?

What have we done to the world? Look what we've done.
What about all the peace that you pledge your only son?
What about flowering fields? Is there a time?
What about all the dreams that you said was yours and mine?

Did you ever stop to notice all the children dead from war?
Did you ever stop to notice this crying Earth, its weeping shores?

I used to dream, I used to glance beyond the stars.
Now I don't know where we are, although I know we've drifted far...

"Earth Song" -- Michael Jackson

Development

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I don't need everybody to approve of my decisions in order to be happy.

The people who truly care about me will love me and support me no matter what.

Those who are too selfishly concerned with how my decisions will ultimately affect them were not true friends in the first place.

Those who are too full of themselves to listen to me without judging me don't deserve my attention.

That's just how it is.

10 things I want to say to 10 people

1. Your addiction has turned you into a whole different person, one which I do not like.

2. You are so unbelievably superficial. You never used to be this bad. It's making me resent you.

3. I'm sorry I'm leaving you. You are the sweetest person I have ever met, and I sincerely hope we stay in touch.

4. You are the best thing to ever happen to me at BU. Thank you for being such a good friend to me. I'm sorry I haven't been the best one to you.

5. I don't know how you became such a hateful elitist, but it makes me really sad.

6. I don't understand what I find so attractive in you because you can be such a meat-headed douchebag!

7. You think you're so full of original and profound ideas, but you're not going anywhere in life.

8. I'm pretty sure we were only friends because we had the same sense of humor when we were high.

9. You betrayed my trust once, and I found out through other people that you did it again. There is no way I'm letting you back into my personal life. We can be friends on the surface, but that's it. You screwed yourself on that one.

10. I'm sorry if my life choices disappoint you. I wish you could be happy for me.

The Curse of Conscientiousness

One of my favorite qualities about myself is that I'm conscientious, but at the same time it's one of my least favorite qualities. It makes it extremely difficult to make decisions for myself when all I can think about is how other people will feel about it.

I decided that I'm transferring to Smith College. I am extremely excited, but at the same time I'm feeling guilty and ashamed. I feel like I'm letting my family down. It's not that I'm downgrading or anything: Smith is ranked 18 in the nation, while BU is 56. It's more because I'm moving closer to my boyfriend.

I know that this is not the sole reason I am transferring, though it is a nice plus to the situation. I am transferring because I am unhappy in Boston and I want to be surrounded by people who are interested in learning, not just making the grade to get by. Smith is the school I chose because the girls there crave knowledge and adventure, and also because the campus is gorgeous and very close to where I lived prior to moving in fifth grade. My heart has been in Western Massachusetts since August of 2000, and it's time for me to finally go home.

But I know that my family probably doesn't view my reasoning that way. Well, my brother probably doesn't judge me because, simply put, he is the greatest person in the entire world. But I'm sure that even though my parents are proud of me, they are worried I'm moving for the wrong reasons. And I definitely know that's what my sister is going to think. I haven't even told her yet, and I didn't even tell her I was thinking about transferring. She is completely in the dark about this all! I will tell her soon, but I'm avoiding it because I know she's going to give me shit about it. It's not even that I care all that much about what she thinks anymore; I'm just sick of being judged by her about everything I do.

I just wish I could do what makes me happy and stop worrying about other people so much. I know being conscientious of others is an admirable quality to have, but it tends to drive you nuts if you do have it.

Closer to God

I still cannot believe I got accepted to Smith. I prayed pretty much every night about it, and during my mental breakdown last week, I had an out-loud, verbal conversation with God pleading for Him to help me make it in.

Even if I hadn't been accepted, I know I would still believe in God and have faith that what happened was for the best. But because I was accepted, I believe that this is part of His plan for bigger (well, smaller in terms of student population) and better things for me.

It's kind of funny how I went from being an anti-religion snot-nosed punk to a faith advocate. I'm still not a fan of organized religion because I think any institution, especially the Catholic Church, has a tendency to abuse power and manipulate people for malicious intents. However, I recognize there are plenty of good Catholics out there whose reputations are marred by the select few who are intolerant, ignorant bigots. Yet I don't want to give myself a religious "title," though, for fear of being associated with said bigots.

But anyway, the whole point of me reflecting on my faith is that I hope it doesn't seem like I'm a fair-weather devotee. I do tend to pray most when I need or want something, and I realize that I don't thank God enough for all the good in my life. But isn't that how most people are? I'm just human. I love God no matter what, even if there seems to be an overwhelming amount of pain in my life (which currently, there isn't). I am positive that whatever happens to me has some sort of purpose behind it.

At the same time, I believe I have an effect on my future. But this is going to have to be a conversation I save for another day, because I have stuff to do before I go to sleep in a half hour.

/end spiritual ramblings

!!!

I GOT INTO SMITH!!!

Illusion of Control

As most people know by now, I am a recovering anorexic and orthorexic. I have made considerable improvements since the beginning of my disordered eating behavior period, but I do relapse every now and then. I am currently in relapse phase.

I know this phase will not last very long - a week at most. I plan on restricting my food intake at least up until Sunday, enough to fully detoxify my body, shrink my appetite, and build up my will power once again. I know this can be achieved in healthier ways, but this is the way I know best and it's one that I know I can accomplish.

It's kind of a rush, really. At first I despise the feeling of being hungry. All I can think about is how badly my stomach hurts, and I want to take out my frustration on everyone and everything around me. But after a day or so, I get lightheaded and loopy and my anger wanes. I don't have enough energy for any emotion other than happiness. It's like being high.

But the high comes from more than just being loopy. Mostly, I feel high because I feel powerful. I am in control of what enters my body, what I do with my body, and how my body will ultimately look in the end. It's a complete power trip.

This disorder has been with me long enough for me to know when and why a relapse is coming. I relapse during times when I feel like my control over my life is slipping. When my fate seems to be out of my hands, I refocus my efforts on something I do have control over: my weight.

Last week, I had a slight mental breakdown because I realized that my admittance into Smith College is completely out of my control now. My application has already been reviewed, my interview has already been conducted, and I have already been judged. I keep thinking about all the things I could have done differently to make myself a more attractive candidate, but at this point it is too late. My letter of rejection or acceptance is probably sealed and in queue to be mailed.

This letter will have drastic consequences. If I am rejected, I will have to face another two years of trying to find my place at this giant university in a city that I hate living in. I will also have to face another two years of putting enormous amounts of effort into maintaining my long-distance relationship (on top of the three and a half years I have already put in). If I am accepted, I will inevitably be paying more money - probably another $10,000 per year - and may face some problems with transferring credits. I will have to start over once again, learning all about my new environment and breaking out of my shell of shyness to make friends. However, I will have an easier time creating a niche for myself at a school with about 15,500 less students. Also, I will finally know what it is like to be able to see the person I am utterly in love with whenever I want to or, most importantly, need to.

I feel so helpless knowing that the next few years of my life will be determined by a piece of paper.

And so this is why I am in the midst of an anorexic/orthorexic relapse. I would advise you not to worry because the period won't last long, but I know that request is futile. Instead, I ask that those who read this simply let me do what I need to do to feel better about the situation, and be ready and willing to accept me back into the real world when it's over.

Wanted: Personal Therapist (unpaid position)

I know people want to help, but I don't talk to them for a reason.

I wish I could find somebody I could talk to who wouldn't judge me, who would support me no matter what I'm going through, who would actively listen to me without preaching in response, and who could approach me and ask "How are you doing?" before I even got a chance to tell them something's wrong.

I actually feel like there are many people like that out there. I am one of them. There has to be others.

But why can't I find them?

My thoughts on Health Care Reform

I love how people throw around the word "freedom," i.e. "Universal health care is an imposition on freedom!"

Does this freedom refer to the freedom to choose whether or not to participate in the health care market? I'm pretty sure most uninsured people don't freely choose to not have insurance. Usually, they can't get approved for it or can't afford it.

Or does this "freedom" refer to the freedom to shop around for insurance? If so, what about those who aren't even able to shop around? What about the people who can barely afford basic necessities, like food, clothing, and housing? Does their health not matter?

I've heard the argument that it's unconstitutional to impose health care on the individual. However, I argue that requiring someone to take care of themselves isn't an imposition; rather, it is a right. Being healthy is a right, just as is life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. After all, how can you be happy if you're sick and nobody will take care of you? How can you be free if a chronic or untreated illness is holding you back? How can you fully live your life if all of your energy is put into trying to keep yourself well without any offer of assistance? Furthermore, how can you be alive if you are not approved for health care for an illness that, although it could have been prevented, kills you?

I like how Congressman James Clyburn of South Carolina puts it: "This is not about health care. It's about trying to extend a basic fundamental right to people who are less powerful."

It really peeves me that people turn the debate about health care reform into one that's about money or complications between federal and state laws. To me, this is purely a moral issue. Is it ethical to require people to have health insurance? I say ABSOLUTELY. As human beings, we have the responsibility to preserve life in all forms. Offering health care to everybody, regardless of their cultural background, financial status, or medical history is an important step to fulfilling our responsibility.

I try my hardest to avoid identifying with a political party because honestly, I think political parties just make a huge mess out of everything. Too many people get wrapped up in being consistent with their fellow party members' views that they forget to fairly evaluate what's going on in Washington and form their own opinions.

So please, I beg you: forget all the bullshit your political party stands for. Do your own research and think for yourself. Hey, I'll even make it easy for you:

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20000846-503544.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/22/health-reform-bill-summary_n_508315.html#s75147

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=125030078&ps=cprs

Those links should get you started, but don't let that be the end of it. Think. Discuss. DON'T JUST SIT THERE AND SPIT OUT OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS.

Here's a bit of Social Psychology for ya!

I wrote a kick-ass paper for Social Psychology this past week, and I feel like sharing it. Please don't steal it because I worked really hard on it! (And if you do steal it, I'll hunt you down and pry off your fingernails and toenails one-by-one with a pair of pliers. :])

Conforming to the Nonconformist Image:
The Development of a Teenage American Punk

Blue hair? Check. Black-painted fingernails? Check. Tickets to the Green Day concert? Check. An “I don’t care” attitude? Check. With most of my image completed, there was only one thing left to do to be considered a true teenage American punk: become a full-blown anarchist.
Herein a problem was presented: how could I be a punk if I didn’t believe in anarchy? Despite my recent behavior changes (acting out aggressively, resisting authority figures, showing a general decrease in concern for others, etc.), I had always been a believer of justice, order, morality, and peace. I knew that without rules, society would collapse – two years of AP United States History had provided me with more than enough evidence of this. Yet, to the punk society, any person or institution which tries to control people’s beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors must be destroyed. Authority lies in the individual – screw everybody else who tells you otherwise.

As a young, fresh punk convert, the pressure was intense. I was of low status in the punk world, so there was much I had to do to prove myself to my elder rebels. Image is one part of the identity, but as I previously stated, I had that part down. It was the attitude thing I was missing. Though I personally disagreed with the idea of anarchy, there was no way I could publicly reject it and still wish to be accepted by the punk community. Belief in anarchy is the group norm. You never hear of a punk supporting totalitarianism or a dictatorship; most punks barely even tolerate American democracy. Vastly outnumbered by the punk-anarchists, I decided to hide my preference for rules and structure and to support the fight for individuality and disorder. And to show my dedication to the cause, I purchased a belt decorated with the anarchy symbol.

The best way to explain the reasons for my compliance would be to examine the particular occasion on which I purchased the belt. I walked into Spencer Gifts well-aware of the store’s reputation as the premier retail outlet for rock memorabilia, gag gifts, and sexual paraphernalia. People go to Spencer’s to buy items which define their personality and push the limits of social norms. Not only does the store reflect our culture’s value of individuality, but it also encourages the punk ideals of nihilism, mischief, and rebellion. In going into that store, I essentially surrounded myself with a representation of the community of which I was trying to become a member. I was subject to the influence of punks all across America, even though they were not physically present and even though I had never even met them.

Additionally, I experienced pressure from a smaller, more immediate group: the people in the store. There were about five or six other shoppers, and while they were not punks themselves, I felt the need to distance myself from their normalcy by showing off my alternative lifestyle choice. I also desired to impress the store clerk, who, clad in a sleeveless Misfits shirt, torn Dickies pants, a studded belt, and multiple facial piercings, looked like a true punk. It is clear to me now that what I felt at the time was Normative Influence, as I wanted to fulfill the shoppers’ expectations of what a punk was, and I yearned to be accepted by the clerk as a fellow member of his community. I was also prey to Informational Influence in that I accepted the reality that punks support anarchy, and, wanting to be a “correct” punk, I chose to make a public response by outwardly displaying solidarity through a clothing accessory.

But why me? Why did I fall victim to conformity? My attitudes certainly did not reflect punk ideologies, but then again, social psychologists have found that attitude rarely predicts behavior. I believe that my age was partly to blame. It is a pretty widely accepted idea that the teenage years are a time of questioning previously held values and beliefs and forming a more distinct identity. At 15-years-old, I was a prime subject of this process. Up until then, I had been known as the “good girl”: I went to Catholic school, I got excellent grades, I enjoyed spending quality time with my family, and I was kind to everybody. When I realized that very little of my hard work and good deeds were being recognized, and when it became evident that this “goody two-shoes” social role was not exactly desirable in high school, my self-esteem plummeted and I grew resentful of my peers and those who had failed to support my efforts – primarily, my parents and teachers. I soon found solace in punk rock because I could identify with the anger and frustration expressed in the music. While it was easy enough to change my image and behavior to match my music preference, the last step of adopting the punk belief in anarchy was more difficult because I possessed conflicting values. However, I think it was my disappointment in my parents and teachers which allowed me to justify my compliance. According to punk ideology, parents and teachers are representatives of a larger oppressive force, and so I used this logic to conclude that if they were my enemy, all authority figures must be my enemy. Even if my logic was not strong, it was enough to convince me that wearing a belt that endorsed anarchy was acceptable.

My personality is the other contributor. While I have always shown a rebellious streak and a thirst to be different (like when I chose to be the only bat, amongst plenty of bunnies and kitties, in my pre-school’s production of Jan Brett’s short story “The Mitten”), I have also always felt a need to gain others’ approval. Additionally, while I rarely go out of my way to get noticed, I really enjoy getting attention. I think these personality qualities explain why, of all social groups, I identified with the punk community. Punks are the outcasts of society. By becoming one of them, I could differentiate myself from the rest of society, but I could also feel a sense of belonging in a smaller community. Furthermore, I could get attention by barely doing anything more than dying my hair and buying new clothes. Yet it was my need for approval which pushed me to make the full conversion and buy the anarchy belt. I needed to conform to every aspect of the social role in order to be accepted by my punk peers.

With the pressures of group size, unanimity of beliefs, status, and public response weighing on my shoulders, and with my age and personality making me especially vulnerable, I grabbed the anarchy belt from the rack and approached the punk-clerk at the check-out counter. “$14.99,” he said, and I handed him the money. As he bagged my purchase, he looked up at me with a smirk. “What?” I asked with a pinch of attitude. “You know,” he said, his smirk growing into a grin, “if you were a true anarchist, you would have stolen this belt.”

Though I felt horribly embarrassed and insulted at the time, I look back on this memory and laugh at the irony. The clerk was completely right: I was attempting to make myself different from society by making myself similar to a group of people which society deems to be “different.” In trying to become a nonconformist, I ultimately ended up conforming to the standards of the punk community. What a conundrum! Luckily, I grew out of that phase and realized what a walking contradiction I was. Yet, punks still hold a special place in my heart. I do not condemn the punk scene because I think that it is simply misunderstood, and its ideals widely misconstrued. While many understand the term “punk” to mean rebelling against authority and endorsing wide-spread destruction and disorder, I hold a different definition. To me, “punk” means never compromising yourself in the face of adversity. Punk is liking what you like, doing what you do, and being the person you want to be. And screw everybody else who tells you otherwise.

Something I've learned

You know the saying "People don't change"? Well it's total bullshit. People are more than capable of changing themselves. But only if they want to.

Take me, for example. Over the winter break, I realized that I was completely miserable. I had very few friends, I hated what had been my top choice school, and I hated myself because I was fully aware that I was the sole cause of my misery. I was depressed, but I wasn't doing anything about it because I was too busy wallowing in self-pity.

So I decided: no more excuses. Things have got to change, and only I can make them.

I jumped into the new semester with both feet. I did things I never would have done before: I went through sorority recruitment, I went to parties every weekend, I even blew off schoolwork to hang out with friends. I was social for the first time in a long time. And every time I felt the anxiety and the sadness creeping up on me, I pretended like everything was fine and I was totally happy. And soon, everything was fine and I was sincerely happy.

I am much happier now, and I don't allow myself to get so self-absorbed in pity anymore. I believe I have changed a lot since December. But this is only because I wanted to and made a conscious effort to.

You can't expect people to change just because you want them to. Even if somebody loves you deeply, they will never change for you unless they see a need to change for their self. And unless you know for sure that they have seen a reason to change, it's not worth wasting your time.

4 months have passed...

4 months have passed since I've last written in this thing. Shit, man. I suppose the best way to summarize such a substantial amount of time would be in...

A LIST!!!

* * * * * * * * * *

October
-Owned a dirtbike for a couple weeks. Rode it twice and then sold it because it scared me.
-Decided I would be living with my love over the summer, despite dissenting parents.

November
-Had a panic attack due to social anxiety.
-Celebrated my three-year anniversary.
-Had a wicked good Thanksgiving.

December
-Got super into the Christmas spirit.
-Decided to apply to transfer to another school.
-Realized I was having a lot of doubts about my relationship.
-Fell out of the Christmas spirit.
-Had a pretty chill New Year's party.

January
-Broke up with my love.
-Became determined to change my life for the better. No more excuses.
-Went through sorority recruitment. Got rejected by the sorority I wanted. But was still proud of myself for going through it and doing something I would normally have never done.
-Started going to the gym three times a week.
-Had an interview with my school of choice. Didn't feel so good about it.
-Got my tattoo touched up.
-My computer shat the bed. I had to wipe the hard drive. But I got Windows 7, so it's all good.
-Got really confused about whether or not breaking up had been a mistake.

February
-Developed a crush on somebody. But I don't necessarily want to go anywhere with that. I think I have one just because technically, I'm allowed to have one. It's more of an exercise of my freedom than anything else.
-My (ex)love came out for Valentine's weekend. It was amazing. Now I'm really, really confused.
-Aced three exams.
-Gave up making excuses and dessert/candy/sweets for Lent. Not because I'm into the whole religion thing, but because I wanted to challenge myself. I'm looking forward to eating loads of cake and Cadbury Eggs on Easter.

* * * * * * * * * *

So yeah. That's my life in list form.

I'm going to try and get better at updating this thing from now on. And hopefully not just about things that have been going on in my life, but with intellectual discussions included as well.

Later days.